All of us, at one time or another, will experience a loss of some kind. And in that loss, we will all mourn in different ways. As I sought comfort and peace, I needed to find my way to healing and acceptance. For me, healing would come little by little, day by day as I placed my faith and trust in God’s unique plan for my husband, for me, and for my loved ones.
December of 2020 my mother-in-law and sister-in-law died within two weeks of each other from COVID. My husband, Michael, passed in April of 2021. Most recently, September 3, 2022, my older brother went to be with the Lord. It has been a succession of losses. However, those losses were tolerable because each loved one had a relationship with Jesus Christ.
As time passes, the pain of losing loved ones lingers, but there is no longer that stinging pain that rips at the very soul. I lost my dad when I was sixteen. My younger brother died at age 48 in 1997. Seven months later, my mother went to be with the Lord.
Time does heal, but it never erases the memories of a loved one, because there will always be something in this world that reminds us of them, whether it be a place, a song, a picture, a memory of a special time with them, their voice, their laugh, and all the little things that made them unique and special to us. There will always remain that desire to have one more embrace. One more laugh with them. One more conversation. And one more chance to say, “I love you.”
When Michael passed, I did not allow myself to grieve because I was trying to be strong for my family. Suddenly, I had the daunting task of preparing my home for sale, and selling and donating furniture and household items, because a 2500 sq. foot house does not fit into a 1500 square foot space that has no storage…except for small closets.
Pushing myself to exhaustion was almost my undoing because I was internalizing the grief. I became underweight, even though I was eating healthy foods six times a day. I was physically and emotionally worn down from the stress of caring for my husband and then losing him, going through a funeral, trying to sell our home (complicated by a homeowner’s lawsuit against the HOA), and then packing for a move to Florida.
My life was upside down. I could either fall apart or I could trust God and His Word that He would ALWAYS be the strength of my heart and my portion forever (Psalm 73:26).
The Word tells us that “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). No matter what we are going through, He tells us, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV).
It wasn’t until months later that I realized the need to embrace all the stages of grief and take that journey:
FIRST STAGE: DENIAL. Denying what is happening helps the person gradually absorb the news. In my situation, I knew that my husband was dying. But my mind was numb as I robotically went through the motions of making decisions, providing 24-hour care, and meeting his medical needs.
SECOND STAGE: ANGER. I was angry that my husband was suffering and physically deteriorating before my eyes. I often asked God why He was allowing Michael to suffer. And I was angry that I was struggling with my own health issues and the daily challenges I was handling alone.
THIRD STAGE: BARGAINING. Knowing that Michael was dying, I was so grateful that God had given us 12 more good years together since his terminal diagnosis. However, I asked God to either heal him or quickly take him home so his earthly suffering would end.
FOURTH STAGE: DEPRESSION. I was depressed in dealing with so many losses and so many new responsibilities. I was physically and mentally drained, and I felt alone. My family was a day’s drive away. So, you can imagine how very grateful I was when our son, Matthew, was able to take vacation time and come for a week after I told him his Dad’s health was rapidly declining. His support then and now has been a tremendous blessing.
Matthew returned in March to take us to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Jacksonville, Florida. After Michael passed, Matt found the perfect funeral home and perfect cemetery. Both he and his wife were instrumental in helping me put together a beautiful memorial service. And Pastor Chad Roberts came to Florida to do Michael’s service.
Matt brought me back to Tennessee so I could sell the home. And shortly before the closing in September, he returned to help me finish packing and tend to last minute details. The movers came and did their job. The next morning was very bittersweet as we pulled away from the home where Michael and I had made so many happy memories.
FIFTH STAGE: UPWARD TURN: I began to experience an upward turn after I moved our belongings to Florida and stored them. During that time, I lived with my son and his wife while my home was under construction. It was wonderful and comforting to be rejoined with family and having their loving support.
SIXTH STAGE: RECONSTRUCTION. In mid-January of 2022, I moved into my new home. I found my stride in the cathartic unpacking of those things that meant so much to both Michael and to me. I then had the joy of decorating and knowing he would approve, which brought about an emotional and physical stability that alleviated the anxiety and depression that had plagued me for nine months.
SEVENTH STAGE: ACCEPTANCE OF A NEW LIFE. This new role of widowhood has been a difficult adjustment, especially after being married for 42 1/2 years. And yes, there are days when I become both sad and happy in revisiting memories. There are times when I think that I will tell Michael something and then I catch myself.
When the loss of Michael was fresh, God spoke into my spirit, “This is not the end of the book. I am opening a new chapter.” Shortly after God gave me that encouraging word, my son, as well as a dear friend (without knowing what God had said) told me those words. God is so faithful!
During the last 15 months, I have experienced a deeper walk with God and a trust in His sovereignty, because He knows what is best for each person. I have also learned to be kind to myself and allow those moments of sadness and joy to wash over me; that is part of the human experience. Most importantly, God has been so gracious to daily comfort, love, instruct, and cover me with His healing grace.
PRAYER OF GRATITUDE: Father, thank you for the time that I had with my loved ones. I rejoice in knowing that we will be reunited in Your glorious kingdom where You wipe away all tears; and there is no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither is there any more pain: for the former things will have passed away (Revelation 21:4).