It was the winter of 1973. Ten years had passed since my dad had passed away from a massive heart attack at forty-five. As a new Christian of two years, I was learning about the power of forgiveness, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-16 NIV). The LORD’S admonition was enough to drive me to reconcile my feelings for my dad whose lack of a loving relationship with me had created a constant ache, emptiness, and deep hurt within my soul.
Divorced and the mother of a two-year-old son, I packed my Mustang with snacks, drinks, and luggage, and with my son in tow, we began the five-hour drive from St. Louis to Iowa City, Iowa. And yes, I knew that although my dad’s body was physically in that grave, spiritually he was either in heaven or hell. Fortunately, that concern was erased when 15 years later, I learned that one week before he died, he had accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.
The most profound pain of loss came from never having good memories of my dad, except when he taught me to ride a bike. And yet God’s Word rang loudly in my mind, If you confess your sin of bitterness and unforgiveness, I am faithful and just to forgive your sins and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).
My dad showed his frustration, impatience, and intolerant critical nature with anything I was trying to accomplish. He failed to acknowledge any achievements, especially at age four when I mastered both cursive and Old English penmanship and was learning French. There were no memories of him putting his arms around me to comfort or tell me he loved me. The only memories that I had were his constant, hurtful criticism and voiced disappointments.
By the time we reached the cemetery, the cold gray winter sky began to release snow flurries. My young son and I got out of the car to walk the short distance to where my dad had been laid to rest. But then my son, who had been talking full sentences since he was 10 months-old, pulled on my arm to stop me and said, “Mommy, I will wait here.” It was if he knew that I needed to be alone.
As I approached his grave, the cold, dreary day lent to deep feelings of sadness that swirled around me like the winter’s bitter wind. Memories flooded my mind as I stood frozen in time remembering that sad day of the funeral. Slowly moving my gloved left hand over the grave marker, the finality of his death suddenly hit me.
I poured out my heart with so many questions that I never had the freedom to ask in person. With no reference to time, I said all the things that I had wanted him to know, and all my unanswered questions that I had always wanted to ask. Again, God’s Word filled my thoughts, Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses (Mark 11:25).
Unexpectedly and uncontrollably, I began to sob for the great loss that I had felt all those years. Then, suddenly a strong cathartic emotion lifted my voice, and I cried out, “Daddy, I forgive you! Daddy, I forgive you! Daddy…I f o r g i v e…you. At that moment, God replaced all those years of hurt and disappointment with forgiveness and compassion.
That day of reconciliation and forgiveness was a great gift because God revealed that my dad was a product of an austere, undemonstrative, demanding, perfectionist father who expected the same perfection from his children. It finally made sense, because my grandfather was a brilliant mathematician who held a PhD and worked with Real Analysis Mathematics. He was one of the first mathematicians to formulate equations for the first rockets to be sent into outer space. He can be found in Who’s Who in America and worked with Albert Einstein. Though my dad scored as Genius and was equally brilliant, his father refused to acknowledge his achievements and many talents. With that understanding of my grandfather, I then understood my dad and how he had become just like his dad.
Forgiveness is so critical. If we follow Jesus, we know that forgiveness is paramount to the Christian walk and where we will spend eternity. Forgiveness is so important that Jesus, nailed to the cross before mockers and executioners, said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24 KJV).
Many times, the people who hurt us the most are those who have been hurt the most in their life. That is why we are told to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NKJV). Thus, we are told not to be quick to judge others so that we will not be condemned (Luke 6:37). So, whenever we stand praying, we are to forgive, if we have anything against that person, so our heavenly Father may forgive us our trespasses (Mark 11:25).
My experience in forgiving my dad was my first experience in learning forgiveness. However, it was my failed marriage, in which I was so traumatized that it evolved into deep-seeded contempt and unforgiveness. As a Christian, I knew that I had to forgive him, but no matter how many times that I said, “I forgive _____,” my heart and mind remained bitter and unchanged. One day, I was so tired of the anger and bitterness that was consuming my every thought, that I cried out to God and asked Him, “HOW do I forgive him?” God spoke into my spirit, “Pray for him every day.”
I must admit that my desire to forgive became a huge challenge those first several months. But I stayed the course and prayed for him every day, and it was in the eleventh month as I was praying, that God revealed a deep insight into why he made so many hurtful choices. I suddenly saw Christ’s compassion for my ex-husband that empowered me to pray a heart-felt prayer. And then an unexpected cleansing cry came from the depths of my soul, releasing me from all bitterness and anger. What was left was compassion and a desire for him to know Christ as his Lord and Savior.
The key to forgiveness is praying for that person who has wronged you in any way. When we hold onto unforgiveness, we keep ourselves in a painful and lonely prison, but the one who has hurt us generally has moved on. To simple say, “I forgive ________” is not enough. We must actively pray each day for that person until our spirit and heart is filled with true peace and forgiveness. To this day, I still pray for him, though I have had no contact in 53 years.
PRAYER: FATHER, forgiveness is so difficult, but I know that Your Word clearly says that if I refuse to forgive, You will not forgive me, which is a dangerous road to walk. Help me to forgive _________. I want compassion and love and not anger and bitterness reigning in my heart. As I pray each day for ________, fill me with faith that You are working a perfect work in ________ while healing my mind, body, spirit and soul. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Image courtesy of Jill Wellington